Should you be committed to commitment?

Meeting someone that makes your heart skip a beat is always so exciting. The newness, the expressed interest and focus on you, the eye to contact that makes you feel strange, tingly or bashful and the fact you look forward to every day with a smile because it’s amazing to feel so special. It’s also wonderful because suddenly you want to look better, smell better, emote better and you quickly begin hitting the gym, parlour and retail shops. However, as is commonly observed in relationships, the romance, the passion, the newness, the tingles, the effort all begin to diminish over a passage of time. Routines set in, a partner may begin to refocus on work, family or the life they have built for themselves prior to meeting you, and a certain “taking for granted” sets in. Most importantly, when a couple first meet they are putting their best foot forward, so the “good stuff” is on display, and decorated with an attempt to be extra nice, extra patient and understanding, extra funny, extra cute, sexy and well turned out.  Problems tend to set in once a relationship is considered steady and when what’s known as the “honeymoon period” of that relationship is over. It’s not possible to always be on best behaviour or to be obsessed about a person the way it was when it began, but many couples resent the dwindling of what had once upon a time made them feel loved, precious and connected. The “seemingly perfect” partner is now burping, farting, stressed, irritable, jealous and certain undisclosed and perhaps undesirable facets to their personality have begun to emerge. At this point, it’s a dilemma as to whether you should continue because you have already in a sense committed to being in it, or whether the real picture is simply not one you see as your life story. I always say It’s more important to know what you don’t want and will not accept in a relationship rather than what you do want. To live with what you cannot accept is a life-long compromise that will either tear away at your soul or the fabric of your endangered relationship. It’s never too late to say, “I deserve better, I deserve respect, I deserve happiness” and to have the courage to move forward from what’s comfortable but stinking. As long as there are no legalities or children involved, and if the bad outweighs the good, there is no reason why you should stay committed to what clearly doesn’t work. Commit, not to a decision or a person, but a relationship and reality that takes you from strength to strength. 

  1. I was seeing a girl I met through a dating app. But when I accepted a job offer in a different city, I casually told my friends that the relationship isn’t serious, and I would rather date better girls in the city I was about to move to. However, our long-distance relationship worked out. She would often fly down to see me, and I would do the same. It was great until one of my friends ratted on me and told my girlfriend that I wanted to date “better girls”. Now, she has ghosted me completely. How do I fix things?  

Beg, grovel, send her flowers, land up at her doorstep, send her I love you messages and cards every day, reach out to common friends and family to set it right… basically dump your ego and do whatever it takes. She has to know that she is in your life because she truly is the best thing that ever happened to you and not because you haven’t found the “better chick” you are hoping to. 

2. I’ve been in love with a woman in my office for a long time. I’ve told her about my feelings and she has clearly told me she is not interested. We are cordial towards each other, but I can’t get over her. Probably because I see her in the office daily. I don’t know how to get over her without changing jobs. I’m happy with my job profile, but the emotional toll is getting too much. What should I do?

Well, the first thing to do is open yourself up to taking other women out on dates. The more you repeat to yourself that you are in love with her, the more you will remind yourself of it, convince yourself of it and also shut yourself off from moving forward. So, whenever you see her say to yourself “She’s amazing, but not the right person for me. I deserve someone who loves me deeply for the person I am”. 

3. My partner and I have been in a long-distance relationship for two years now and meet each other once every six months. It’s hard to live in so far away from each other although technology has made it easy to stay in touch. One month ago, I discovered that my girlfriend had cheated on me with a classmate and this broke my heart. Although she admitted to it and asked for forgiveness, I find it hard to trust her now. How can one rebuild trust and faith in a relationship? Or can it never be repaired?

Rebuilding trust and faith through a long distance relationship is very tough. Best to ask for a 6 month relationship time-out and go out there and check out your options. During this period, if either finds someone that means there were better matched choices and it’s a choice that works better. But if no one else interests you at all, and you are still madly in love with your girlfriend you will automatically find a way to make it work. But at least you won’t be in victim mode as you would have also been empowered to make choices. 

DISCLAIMER : Views expressed above are the author’s own.

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