Because I’ve failed so many times.
Cos I’ve tried so many times.
I’ve been positive and energetic so many times.
I have tried so hard for so long but always tire out and come back here to the same spot.
What is wrong with me?
What do I do?
Why can’t it last and why can’t I be motivated forever and just have a normal life?
What if just for a moment I was to look at my being lonely and alone and not dislike it? What if I said that these are the moments I commune with god? These are the times I look within. These are times I feel what I feel and that’s that! What if I was to hear, just for a moment, a loving praise from my inside for me. A glance from myself, filled with appreciation for something. Anything. A little step forward in listening to my critic and not succumbing to it. Being unaffected by the voice of fear, rejection, failure, lack cos I know the one that makes me whole is a part of me. And I’m a part of that whole. What if I were to believe a little?
A small fear or a big fear, both, I see as being there for me to see more. See through. See what message lies in it? A torch and a guiding post. Aiding me to be careful and yet to go through my comfort zone tests to the other side to my oneness. To see the impact the negatives can have on me if I let them. Or not. Seeing that when I say so what if I failed? Or so what if I cannot do something too well? It doesn’t mean I hide or lack or am insufficient. It shows me how to live. How to let fear live with me and love me and guide me. It shows me how to let rejection not mar me and scar me but ajar me to welcome my soul’s journey of many, many years, here, with me, this lifetime. It shows me how to know the sacrifice of my Lord as proof of my eternal acceptance.
Let me accept my quirks and my inefficiencies as my persona. As me. As trophies of a life well lived.
I’m alone and lonely if I am scared of what lies ahead and what my abilities are to live according to standards set by unknown people. If I allow myself to live in my life fully, truly inhabit my being, free from the stringent rules laid down by unknown sources, I will see that I am in actuality one with my source, full and filled with love for the way I am and for the failures I lament. I will see that there is no judgement save the one I mete out to myself. I will see, ever so slowly, that I am meant to be this way, exactly, and everything is in the divine right order for me to take the next tiny step and then the next. I will see the workings of an abundant, giving, loving, allowing, accepting One, of which I am. There is no separation of that and me and I will recognize my own self as complete in my imperfections and I will rise to meet life where it is, right here, right now. This is me.
And then by the miracle of the Universal Supreme force, I will see my loneliness and aloneness, my failure, my many positive attempts to overcome, but failure again, I will find myself in the same spot, I will ask again and again what do I do? But this time, these will be strategic, improvement-led questions, intuitive directions and internal hunger to drive my life in a certain direction and trust my instincts, these will be meteoric showers of grace from the divine to allow me a glimpse of my own divinity that revels and dances and flows with ease from my unobserved thoughts of my lack and failure and loneliness. Once I see the necessity of this duality, I will emerge free and victorious and love my lonely and love my alone.
DISCLAIMER : Views expressed above are the author’s own.